


5 Times The Ruby 7 Was Out to Get Juno Steel, and the 1 Time Peter Caught it Happening

by onetiredboy



Series: Jay’s 5+1 Fics [2]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Other, a silly fic, cause god knows once the ep comes out ppl wont be down for silly fics anymore, junos a little jealous of the ruby 7, peter is a little bit horny for a car, the ruby 7 is jealous of juno, the ruby 7 uses she/its pronouns i make the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24749701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetiredboy/pseuds/onetiredboy
Summary: If there's one thing Juno knows it's true, it's that the Ruby 7 hates his guts.It's jealous that Juno gets all of Peter's attention, and to be honest, he can't totally blame it. But he needs it to stop, and now, because it's really fucking annoying.Problem is, turns out it's hard to convince people a mythical supercar has it out for you.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Series: Jay’s 5+1 Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844275
Comments: 17
Kudos: 140





	5 Times The Ruby 7 Was Out to Get Juno Steel, and the 1 Time Peter Caught it Happening

**Author's Note:**

> rated M for discussions of sex, descriptions of heated making out (but no content re: actual sex). 
> 
> this fic is stupid and fun, don't get too mad abt taking it seriously.
> 
> ///// only read if you want to skip the making out bit: //////  
> you can skip the first scene, or at least skip until 'the car horn goes off'

1.

“ _Fuck,_ Nureyev.”

Juno presses his lips against Peter’s again before he has a chance to get a word out. His mind has gone too pleasantly hazed with the need to kiss him and feel him and taste him to care much about talking right now.

Peter’s slender hands under the back of Juno’s shirt slide up his back, sides, front. Thumb rubbing over a nipple. Juno moaning into his mouth, hands cupped around the back of Peter’s head. It’s feverish and needy and exactly what Juno needs right now.

“ _Juno_ ,” Peter gasps when they break for air. He adjusts in the seat and kisses him again.

“I can’t believe,” Juno teases between kisses, “That making out in the car makes you _this_ worked up.”

“I’m perfectly composed,” Peter argues, and Juno grins.

“Sure,” he mutters. He rolls his hips forward into Peter’s lap and uses the gasp Peter makes as an opportunity to slip his tongue between Peter’s teeth.

Nureyev makes a low groan and slides his hands up to Juno’s hair, tugging in a way that makes him melt. Without breaking the kiss, Juno starts to slide one of his hands downwards. When he pops the button on Nureyev’s pants, Nureyev shivers against him.

Juno breaks the kiss and raises an eyebrow, a teasing grin on his face, “You really _are_ worked up.”

Peter looks like he’s going to try to say something, but whatever it is clearly doesn’t matter much, because a second later he leans forward and catches Juno in a kiss again. His lips part against Juno’s and Juno slips his tongue back into Peter’s mouth. He slides his hand a little further into Nureyev’s pants.

The car horn goes off.

Nureyev almost jumps right off the seat, and pain erupts in Juno’s mouth as the kiss breaks. He slaps a hand over his mouth, and has to hold back nausea when he tastes blood.

“Juno?” Peter asks, panicked, “Are you alright?”

“Goddamn sharp teeth, _fuck_ ,” Juno mumbles through his hand, “You bit my fucking tongue, fucking hell.”

“Really?” Peter sits up straighter, eyes wide and face pale, “I-I-I—I’ll get Vespa, you stay right here—”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Juno swallows a mouthful of spit and blood, and takes his hand away from his mouth, “Blegh. Ugh. Gross. It’s going to hurt to eat for the next week.”

“Are you sure I shouldn’t get Vespa? I wouldn’t want it to get infected—”

Juno shakes his head, “Yeah, and have her make fun of me for it for the rest of my life? Should be fine unless you’re venomous. Stupid car. Ow, ow, ow...”

Peter cocks his head, “What’s she got to do with it?”

“What, you think I set off the horn?” Juno growls.

Peter looks bewildered, “Are you… accusing Ruby of trying to interrupt us?”

“All I’m saying is, a lady finally gets some time with his boyfriend, you’d expect he wouldn’t have to worry about getting _cockblocked_ by a goddamn _car_ ,” Juno says this more to the car than Nureyev, who begins to look a little concerned.

“Juno, love,” he says. “I’m sure you simply hit the steering wheel by accident—”

“You don’t think I would have felt that?”

Peter taps his fingers against Juno’s thighs, his mouth in a thin line. Then he says, “You’re not feeling light-headed, are you?”

“Oh, I see. Now you think I’m, what, coming down with something?”

“I’m just trying to make sure…” Peter mumbles, and then tongues at his fangs. Juno stares at him.

“Oh my God, you have poison capsules in there, don’t you? Your teeth are _actually_ able to poison people.”

“ _Used to_ be able to,” Peter emphasises, “I went through a phase, alright? I’m quite sure they haven’t been refilled in years, and surely there can’t still be any traces. Though they were really rather interesting. There was this mouthpiece you’d put in that acted as a sort of poison sac, and when you bit down with pressure—”

“Save me the story,” Juno groans, “I don’t want to think about you biting random people.”

That makes Peter grin, “And how about thinking about me biting you?”

“Don’t have to fucking imagine,” Juno mutters, shooting him a pointed look and nursing his jaw with a hand. Then he pops open the Ruby’s door, “I’m going to go wash my mouth out. The car can have you all to its goddamn self.”

Juno goes to make a dramatic exit, slipping out of Peter’s lap and out of the car, and it’s only slightly dulled by the way the car door slams shut hard behind him the second he’s out of the way, despite the fact he doesn’t even go to close it.

* * *

2.

Peter looks a little predatory.

He’s got that vicious animal look about him, his eyes shining with delight and his fingers flexing every so often as if he’s holding back on the impulse to steal.

“Do not take this lightly,” Jet grumbles as he gets into the back seat, “The Ruby is not a toy.”

“Of _course_ she isn’t,” Peter basically purrs as he slides into the driver’s seat, “No, she’s far more than that, aren’t you, you lovely thing?”

The Ruby chirrups, sounding incredibly pleased with itself. Juno, in the passenger seat, narrows his eyes and folds his arms.

The car is voice activated, but Peter seems to take pure delight in turning the key in the ignition. At least, Juno hopes it’s only delight – the way his eyes fall shut and a smile crawls across his face when the car rumbles to life is… frighteningly similar to some of the looks he’s seen on Peter’s face in entirely different contexts.

“I have been _waiting_ for this,” he mumbles, stroking the dashboard before putting both hands firmly on the wheel. “Jet, you’ve done the right thing by letting me give her a test-drive.”

“You are making me doubt that,” Jet grumbles into his arms. “Now remember: this experiment will only work if you cooperate. Stick to the track, and stay on the ground.”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Nureyev says. He grins again, and licks his teeth, eyes fixated on the expanse of deserted planet in front of them. He revs the engine once, twice, “May I start, now?”

“Yes,” Jet says, and if he says anything else after that, it’s lost in the roar of the engine as Peter floors it.

Juno gets slammed back in his seat with a scream, and the velocity almost keeps him pinned there as they streak across the surface of the planet. Nureyev laughs in pure delight, and steers the car around a boulder so fast that Juno feels two of the car’s wheels lift from the ground.

“I’m going to be sick!” Juno yells, at the same time as Jet thunders:

“Ransom, slow the car down or you will never drive it again!”

The Ruby makes a horrified beeping sound in protest, and Peter groans as he takes his foot off of the accelerator. “Really,” he tsks, as the car glides into a more respectable speed, “How you ended up owning Ruby will always baffle me, Jet. A car like this deserves a man who knows how to treat a lady right.”

“Is that what you consider yourself? Because the lady who’s about to puke all over this gearshift has some opinions about that,” Juno groans.

Peter glances at him, “That’s a cupholder, love.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yes. And besides, dear, I’m very sorry I made you feel unwell, but you know I needed you here with me. I wouldn’t want to have this moment without you,” Peter batters his eyelashes, “Can’t we kiss and make up?”

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” Juno mumbles, and Peter breaks out in a grin.

“It is my greatest asset,” he says, and leans over.

Juno leans over to kiss him and gets jolted short by the seatbelt. “What the… goddamn hell?” he mutters, leaning back in his seat and then trying to lean over again. The seatbelt cuts short again.

“You must be moving too fast,” Peter says.

Without breaking eye contact, Juno moves slowly back into his seat, and then slowly out towards him again. The seatbelt stops short.

Nureyev shrugs his shoulders, “Perhaps Ruby tightened your belt in order to look out for you.”

Juno snorts, “Yeah. Likely story.”

Nureyev gives him a pitying look, “Juno. This isn’t about your absurd obsession with Ruby being out to get you, is it? Ruby likes you. Don’t you, girl?” he addresses the car.

The car is silent.

“She must be concentrating,” Nureyev says, and Juno laughs bitterly.

“Yeah. Right,” he says, and folds his arms and sits back in his seat.

The seatbelt is just on the uncomfortable side of tight all the way back home.

* * *

3.

“You have _got_ to be kidding me!”

Juno’s fingertips brush the bottom rung of the ladder hanging suspended from the Ruby 7, but he has to plant his heels firmly back on the ground again when he wobbles and comes way too close to his liking to stumbling over the edge of the building.

“Juno,” Peter calls out from the side of the car, in his trying-and-failing-to-be-patient voice, “We don’t have much time, dear!”

“Tell that to the goddamn car! I can’t reach!” Juno shouts. He’s standing right on the edge of the rooftop, and he proves his point by reaching up on his toes again.

“Jump!” Peter calls down.

“Not a chance in hell!” Juno calls back, “Lower the fucking car!”

Juno’s comms crackle to life in his ear, “Darling,” Buddy says, “We don’t have the sort of time for your fear of heights to be playing up right now.”

“I am _not_ jumping off a fucking building to catch a ladder,” Juno growls, “How should I know the stupid car won’t pull the ladder out the way and let me fall? I wouldn’t put it past it.”

Buddy’s response is an exhausted sigh. “Juno,” is all she says, pointedly.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s stupid to think a car has a personal vendetta against me, whatever. I’m only telling you what I’ve experienced, alright?”

Somewhere in the building behind him, an alarm goes off. Nureyev swears in another language. “My heart,” he calls down, anxiety clear in his voice, “You can do it, sweetness. We don’t have much of a choice left!”

Juno takes a steadying breath and takes a step back from the ledge, “If I die,” he shouts up at Nureyev, “Just know I told you so!”

Just as the door of the roof swings open, Juno runs forward and jumps. There’s a second of screaming, empty air beneath his feet, blackness behind his screwed-shut eyes… and then he moves fast all at once, getting hauled upwards into the Ruby while Jet starts to pilot the car away from the scene.

Juno falls into Peter’s lap in the backseat and heaves for breath. The car door swings shut.

“Alright, dear, you’re alright,” Peter soothes, and Juno sits up, groaning.

“Never, ever ask me to do something like that again,” he mutters. “I hate this stupid car.”

Nureyev only gives him a pained look. Juno rolls his eyes, but says nothing more on it.

* * *

4.

“Oh, no. No, no, no, no,” Juno wrenches his hand out of Peter’s grip, “We are not having sex in the car.”

Nureyev spins on his heel, pouting like a child deprived of his favourite toy, “Darling, I _promise_ I won’t bite your tongue this time. We’ll be in the back seat! No chance of either of us accidentally hitting the horn.”

Juno barks a laugh, “You kidding me? That’s the least of my goddamn worries. You’ll probably get it in your head to use the seat belt for bondage and next thing I know my fucking dick will get cut off. The car hates me.”

“What—” Nureyev shakes his head as if fending off a mental image, “How do you even jump to these conclusions, Juno? I can’t believe we’re even still having this conversation – what could Ruby possibly hate you for?”

“Because it’s jealous!” Juno throws his hands out, “Are you kidding me? The car is _obviously_ jealous that I get your special attention.”

“What are you suggesting?” Nureyev sounds exasperated, “That the car wants me to date her instead of you? Surely you know that isn’t even possible—”

“Maybe not date you, okay, but want your attention? Sure! You say it yourself all the time that you love your precious Ruby, that you know how to treat it right. You call it sexy, Nureyev. You call a fucking car sexy.”

“Well,” Nureyev says, his eyes darting away from Juno’s. Then he sighs and looks back at him. “Juno. Are you sure _you’re_ not the one feeling jealous?”

“What.” Juno grits out.

Peter sighs, “Juno. Love of my life. Darling, sweetheart, sugarplum—” (Juno wrinkles his nose) “You know I’d never leave you for a car, hm? You’re precious to me too, you know, and I call you sexy as often as the opportunity arises, and I try my best to treat you well—”

“Nureyev, I’m not jealous of the Ruby,” Juno groans, “But she _obviously_ is jealous of me. Come on. I got fucking _ejected out of my seat_ last week. Ejected! Through the roof!”

“You hit the button!” Nureyev argues.

“There was no button! The button appeared after I got shot out.”

Nureyev pinches the bridge of his nose, “You do realise that’s impossible, dear.”

“I don’t care what it is. Point is, your precious Ruby hates my guts, and I’m not letting you fuck me in there.”

Nureyev presses his mouth into a line. “I don’t have to _fuck_ you—”

“Or _anything else_ ,” Juno amends.

Nureyev sighs, “Alright.” He stands for a moment in front of Juno, and then he shakes his head and says, “Honestly, Juno. I can’t have you being so insecure in our relationship that a _car_ can make you feel threatened. Where am I to go from there, hm?”

“What are you saying?” Juno asks, voice low.

“Nothing,” Nureyev says quickly. “Only that… I’d like to know what I could do to make you feel a little more secure in the way I feel for you. I can’t understand how I’m meant to continue to be your boyfriend if you can’t believe me in that respect.”

Juno’s mouth falls open. “Holy shit. Are you fucking serious?”

Nureyev simply shrugs, and doesn’t meet Juno’s eyes. Then he steps around Juno and walks out of the room, the sound of heels on metal fading into the distance.

Juno glares at the Ruby 7. “Happy now?” he hisses.

In response, Ruby’s lights flash so brightly at him that pain shoots through his eye. He doubles over and clutches at his face, “Ahgghh! Tell me _anybody_ saw that!”

* * *

5.

Juno eyes the Ruby 7 like a Martian sewer rabbit eyeing up a sleeping Martian sewer fox.

He was trying to fix a stupid part of his stupid comms down here in the garage using some of Jet’s tools. It looked like a part of the case had just come unscrewed somehow and Juno didn’t like to bother Rita or Jet when he could help it, especially not for something as embarrassing as a little mechanical issue like this, so he’d come down to tinker at it himself.

In the middle of fixing it, though, he’d fumbled and dropped the screwdriver, and it had rolled across the floor and come to rest just near the Ruby.

After a long moment of staring it down, Juno steps slowly towards it.

“Look,” he says, “I don’t want any trouble.”

The Ruby says nothing back. Juno takes another step.

“I get you don’t like the fact that Peter’s mine,” Juno says, “But that doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me. He’s free to make his own decisions.”

“So if you could just…” Juno crouches down on the floor, “…let me…” he inches towards the screwdriver, “…pick this up without any extra dramas…”

His hand closes around the screwdriver, and Juno breathes out a sigh of relief. He stands up with it in his hand, and turns around.

Which is when the Ruby’s car door opens, and quicker than he can react, hits him from behind, sending him sprawling to the ground, and slamming shut again. The screwdriver rolls out of Juno’s grip and underneath the thin crack under Jet’s tool bench, which is far too heavy for him to move alone.

Juno collapses onto the floor and sighs, “Fuck.”

* * *

+1

Juno stands in front of the Ruby 7 and crosses his arms.

“I’ve had enough of you,” he snarls. “You’re making me look like an idiot in front of my own friends. You keep hurting me, and endangering me, and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

The Ruby 7 sits silently in front of him, making no acknowledgement of hearing him as Juno powers on.

“I think you’re just stupid,” he says. “You want Peter to leave me so badly you’re going out of your way to make it happen, just so he’ll spend more time with you. Do you have any idea how dumb that is? He’ll never want you like he wants me.”

At last, Ruby’s engines rumble to life. It has an effect not unlike growling. Juno tsks and shakes his head.

“Whatever. I don’t expect you to get it. You’re just a car,” he says, and begins to walk past the Ruby towards the door.

The passenger side door flies open as Juno walks past, knocking him to the ground with a winded sound. He rasps for breath for a moment, and then shouts out, “See? I fucking told you so!”

Nureyev steps out from the shadows. The Ruby makes an alarmed whistle and quickly shuts its door.

Nureyev steps closer, a serious look on his face, until he makes it over to Juno and helps him to his feet.

“I see,” is all he says. “How disappointing. Juno, run and get me two chairs from the dining room, would you? I think it’s time we have a little intervention.”

“I’d love to,” Juno grins smugly, and walks out of the room.

* * *

“Now,” Nureyev says carefully. He’s sitting in a chair facing the two of them, his hands folded in his lap, “I think you both know what it is I need to talk to you about.”

Juno rests one ankle on the other leg and sits back in his chair, a satisfied look on his face. Nureyev sighs.

“Juno. Ruby. It’s come to my awareness that there seems to be… a little quarrel going on between the two of you in order to gain my undivided attention.” He bites his lip and frowns, then nods, “It’s important to me that the two of you understand my position.”

“Although, I must admit, it is rather flattering that the both of you care for my time that much, the two of you need to understand that I love both of you ladies equally.”

Juno laughs. Nureyev looks up at him.

“Is something funny, Juno?”

Juno blinks. Then he frowns, “Uh… yeah? The… the joke you just made. About loving a car the same amount as you love your actual boyfriend.”

“I… fail to see the punchline,” Nureyev says.

“Hold on, hold on, hold on,” Juno sits up in his chair. His ankle falls off his other leg so both feet are on the ground, “Are you telling me you _actually_ think you love me as much as you love a car?”

“Not just any car, Juno—”

“Holy fucking shit. A-A-And were you planning on telling me any time soon that I’ve apparently consented into being in some sort of… of… polyamorous relationship with a getaway vehicle?”

“Juno. That’s an overreaction. I never said polyamorous—”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Juno stands up from his chair, “A poly-v, then. Were you going to tell me that I’m sharing my boyfriend?”

“Juno, _please_ ,” Nureyev stands, too. “Just because I love you both doesn’t mean anything about our relationship. Or my relationship with the Ruby, for that matter.”

Juno stares at Nureyev. Then he slowly sinks back down into the chair, “I gotta process this.”

“My point is,” Nureyev says, “That I won’t stand for you both resorting to petty jealousy. I love you both in different ways. Ruby, my relationship with Juno doesn’t threaten the fact that there’s no other car like you in the galaxy, and I think we belong together.”

Ruby wolf-whistles at him.

Nureyev smiles, “Thank you. And Juno,” he focuses on Juno, “My relationship with Ruby doesn’t threaten the fact that we’re in a closed relationship, and in that respect I have eyes only for you.”

“Hmph,” Juno crosses his arms and melts into his chair.

“I hope I’ve cleared that little matter up,” Nureyev says, and he stands, brushing invisible dirt from his pants. “I don’t want to hear any more stories about the two of you doing mean things to each other over my devotion – you both have it.”

“Ruby hit me too hard,” Juno says suddenly, “That has to be it. I’m in a coma right now.”

Nureyev tsks his tongue, “Juno, please. I’m being perfectly reasonable—”

“Ha!”

“—and all I ask is that you return the courtesy,” Nureyev finishes. Then he sighs, “Perhaps I haven’t spent enough time with you recently, is that it? Let me take you on a date tonight. I’ll show you how single-mindedly devoted to you I am. We’ll take the other car,” he adds, when he sees Juno’s withering look.

Juno shifts in his seat, “Alright. Fine.”

“There,” Nureyev smiles, “All better?”

Ruby whistles. Juno shakes his head in disbelief, and lets out a breathless chuckle. “Yeah, alright, fine. All better.”

"Good," Peter smiles, and he picks up his chair and walks out of the room back towards the living room.

Juno stands as well, and picks up his own chair.

But he doesn't stop himself from standing in front of the Ruby and making a quick 'I'm-watching-you' gesture into her windscreen.

Ruby flashes her lights back at him.


End file.
